Peace. Love. Rock n Roll.

I try to go back to reasons on becoming what I wanted to be and to be honest, I don’t know. I was repeating the same things like voodoo chant that maybe I can implant or maybe build a fundamental blueprint on how to do it this time. I was breathing characters from the books but they scared me so I decided to spend the day like ordinary- as if tomorrow is just how I planned. School starts tomorrow and I am losing contact with faith. I didn’t know if I should have prayed differently or be the same. I can say perfectly that my prayer was answered, not the way I wanted but just how it should have. I never questioned Him and not wanting to but I say, “Lost”.

My inner recess is too proud. My private parts are leaking out with ideas and concepts on how to live further- for another school year. So I examine my face, found my body cold and watch the contours change- it is ready. My physique and its inside are willing. It has long prepared for wakeful hours, unhealthy habit of taking too much caffeine, disturbance of the mind, and uproar with logic. It will hurt. It will be hard. But real world is already harsh; the heart earns what it desires.

Today, I wash my face twice and brush my teeth as many as I could. I ate what I think is healthy, woke up not too early, spoke of hope and revealed my prayers. I organized my tools, observed for details and decreased uneasiness. Vacation ends. 

(Source: painteverythingred)

I thought I was sinking,

But these days showered with faith.

I no longer feel pain nor, I remember the last wound.

Despite, it weakens the soul.

It scares me.

Emotions are harder to express.

In verb, there is a hole that doing becomes meaningless.

No substance.

I tried to write but phrases don’t fit.

I console myself for I lack terms.

There are no signs of sentiment.

No details of the past.

I linger on scent because they say it lasts.

Have I lost my senses?

Its absence I start to ask.

I speak of tongues I don’t understand.

Mismatches- I am not happy or sad.

I don’t feel anything to anyone.

I crave for corporal blessing that may fill the inside

But nothing satisfies.

Am I just good in keeping, as if something I specialized?

Or is it life’s last trick?

The body seeks fixation.

But it can not find.

(Source: painteverythingred)

Ito na bumabalik na talent ko- pagkatuwaan.

                Nakaka-inis, ano? May mga taong magsasabi na miss ka na nila pero ni ayaw man lang nila magpakita sayo. Parang lokohan lang. Ano ako madadaan sa mga mabubulaklak na salita? Kaibigan mo nga pala ito pero ang mas nakaka-irita pa roon parang tuluyan ka na niya nakalimutan e tas kahapon lang kinausap mo dahil may magandang nangyari sa buhay niya, syempre naalala mo siya. Ang sabi, “miss na kita.” Miss mo ko pero hindi mo ko niyaya na makita ka? E paano miss din kita. Ang torpe mo namang kaibigan o baka naman hinihita mo lang ako; gusto mo lang din malaman kung namiss din kita. Ah, ang lupit mo! Fishing. Nakita ko mga letrato mo, kasama mga kaibigan natin pero ako na miss mo, wala roon. Pambihira, namiss mo nga talaga ako. Minsan lang talaga may mga sinasabi tayo na hindi naman talaga natin alam kung ano, para magpa-cute lang. Gusto talaga kita patamaan e.

                Pangalawa, may mga tao namang paulit-ulit na sasabihin sayong- “huwag ka mainlove sakin.” E paano naman mangyayari iyon e sa magkikita tayo, mga babae mo headline ng usapan natin? At higit sa lahat, hindi ko balak mainlove sayo. Pare, hindi tayo talo. Friend zone. Ewan ko ba kung bakit lagi na lang niya ko winawarningan e parang ang normal naman naming dalawa para maisipan kong mahuhulog ang loob ko sa kanya. Imposible talaga! May mga pinagkakasunduan kami pero hindi ibig sabihin may love-love nang mangyayari. Kung ayaw mong isipin, huwag mo nang sabihin pa. Okay naman tayo e. Laging pasarap lang. Tama na mga salita.

                Panghuli, may mga tao namang magmimiss call sayo (Sorry pero kung mababasa mo ito, marami kayo. Malas mo lang kasi ikaw kilala ko. Yung iba, clueless pa rin ako hanggang nagyon) bigla-bigla. Minsan ang matindi pa riyan, madaling-araw pa. As in magkakasunod na araw, tatawag tapos iccut tapos wala naman sasabihin. Wala namang text. Ang sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, hayaan ko lang. Dahil kung may importante raw silang sasabihin, magtetext naman daw sila. Marami sila. Yung isa kaibigan ko e nagunaw na pasensya ko kaya nasabihan ko siya. Hindi niya ata alam na parang normal na itong gawain ng mga taong di ko kilala kaya ayun sumuko na ko at nasabi ko na- “May problema ba kasi nakakairita na e.” Kung gusto niyo malaman ko na buhay pa kayo, itext niyo ako. Kung gusto niyo lang talaga manggulo, ipagpatuloy niyo lang ang pagmimiss call. Kung may sasabihin kayo, huwag lang pangalan ko ilagay ninyo sa mensahe dahil alam ko kung anong pangalan ko. Wala akong amnesia para paalalahanan niyo ako. At higit sa lahat kung way niyo ito para mangumusta bakit kailangan araw-araw? Isipin niyo. Matinding pag-iisip. Kailangan ba talaga every 2am, magmimiss call ka? Marahil nakakatusok ang salitang irita pero really, dapat ba talaga iyon? Ano gusto mo sabihin ko? Thank you for calling at sa tuwing gumigising ako wala akong malay kung bakit tapos susulpot ang rason na- gusto ko lang malaman mo na okay lang ako. Ano ito? Nakakatawa na minsan ang mga style ng mga tao ah. Dapat ba ako kabahan na sa tuwing magmimiss call ka e may near death experience ka? Ganito na ba talaga ngayon? Madali naman magtext. Napuno lang ako.

Peace.

(Source: painteverythingred)

                Sa kadahilanang bagot na ko sa pagbabasa (tapos ko na pala yung libro ni Ong, balik kay Murakami) at kakapanood ng movies, binisita ko ang mga lumang letrato. Ang dami na palang nagdaan. Lumipas na pala ang mga araw na sumisindi pa ko ng sigarilyo na sing lupit ng tambutso. Lumipas na rin ang mga panahong paborito ko pa ang tambalang rhum at coke. Hilig ko pa kasi noon lumangoy sa alak. Nakaka-inggit ang mga taong ginugol ko na walang pakealam, basta lang gusto kong gawin. Naalala ko pa yung hikaw ko sa kilay, bagets ba. Ah, ngayon bawal na. Hassle! Mabuti pa noong nagMS ako kahit araw-araw reporting na hindi ko nga alam pinagsasasabi ko, allowed naman kahit na anong trip. Ayoko na tumanda pero gusto ko pa rin maging doktor. Ang hirap! Ang dami ko na ring kinalimutan para lang makatungtong dito, kung saan man tong kinatutungtungan ko (sana matibay). Ayun, behave naman ata ako sa unang taon. Hindi ko inakalang kaya ko pala iyon. Tinamad na ko lumabas; hindi ko na hilig pumarty at pumustura, kumilala ng iba. Swak na sa’kin ang araw-araw na pagpasok sa eskwela tapos jogging sa gabi para antukin kahit may exam kinabukasan. Kapal lang talaga ng mukha ko. Ayos na iyong kakain lang ako, matutulog, konting basa-basa, manonood ng kalahating pelikula kapag napagod tapos magpapanic kasi hindi ko natapos iyong inaaral. Hindi na ko umasa sa mga lakad o inuman. Sumasakit na ulo ko sa alcohol, biruin mo nangyayari sakin iyon. Milagro lang! Masarap na iyong kape at tsaa nilalaklak ko sa buong araw, kahit ilang tasa pa. Naging masaya na ako roon. Minsan iniisip ko kung ito ba ang gusto ko o dahil ito lang talaga ang dapat kong gawin. Minsan tinatanong ko sa sarili kung bumubuti ba talaga ako o mas lalo lang akong napapariwara. Pero ganoon pa man, sigurado na ako sa kurso ko. Yun nga lang hindi ata tugma ang lifestyle na pinasukan ko sa tunay na ako. Ako.

                Kinukumbinsi ko  na nga ang sarili na tigil-tigilan na ang pag-aambisyon na kaya ko pang maging cool sa kabila ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. Tinapos ko na ang ugnayan ko sa wild side.  Ang ibig ko lang namang sabihin, ayoko na makipaglokohan na okay lang yung mga ginagawa ko dahil sa pagkakataong meroon ako, ayoko na pumalpak. Ayokong masipa kahit sukang-suka na ko sa mga bagay-bagay (hindi ko na i-elaborate ito). Lintek, isang buwan pa bago kaguluhan sa eskwela pero rambulan na isip ko. May mga kilala ako sa mga oras na ito, katabi si Robbins o kaya si Guyton. Nakakabilib lang talaga. Saludo ako sa inyo. Yun lang.

Pause.

Nakapag-internet ako kanina, sa wakas!

(Source: painteverythingred)

          Nakakatakot halos mag-aapat na libro na ang natatapos ko ngayong bakasyon pero naswertehan lang dahil maikli lang talaga iyong isa. Kung ano pa yung maikli, yaon pa hindi ko maintindihan Ayun, pang-apat ko na yung libro ni Murakami tapos ang kapal pa ng mukha ko para simulan yung panglima, libro naman ni Ong. At may mas titindi pa riyan, bumili pa ko ng isa na napaka-mahal, libo. Pero exemption ito kasi medical book, kuno. Ano ako ganoon kasipag para mag-aral na ngayong bakasyon? Hindi naman masyado. Palusot ko lang ito para makaluwas ng Maynila. Discounted kasi sa C&E (nga ba ‘yon?). Daig pa sa bigat at kapal iyong bagong libro na 1Q84. Halos hindi ko na nga alisin sa pagkakabalot iyong libro ni Murakami kasi masyadong maganda na parang ayokong tapusin, kundi pahirapan nanaman makahanap ng kasing tindi ng mga kwento niya. Kumpara sa libro ni Robbins, dali-dali kong alisin ang plastic upang makahinga ang mga pahina nito na tila lalamunin ako. Ang sama ng tingin sa’kin. Ayun, inilapag ko na lamang sa lamesa tapos tuloy ang libro na, “Ang mga kaibigan ni mama Susan.”

            Wala nanaman talaga ako magawa sa buhay. Tinuturnilyo na utak ko. Hindi ko mawari kung masyado ba ito mahigpit upang malangisan na o masyadong maluwag. Tuliro ako ngayon. Nagpapahinga lang dahil sa deretsong mga lakad ko. Parang nabaon ako sa mga bisyo, lahat ng uri ng bisyo. Noong Sabado, nasa Holiday Inn ako. Kumain ng marami kasi convention ng tatay ko kaya kahit busog pa ko noong umaga, nagbreakfast pa rin ako. Libre e. Pagkatapos tumikim ako ng mga imported na beer na kinahiligan ko na rin, masarap! Linggong-linggo alakan inatupag ko tapos deretso kami ng kaibigan ko sa Tagaytay habang umiinom ng Stella sa sasakyan niya. Aba naman, hindi pala kabisado ang papunta roon. Buti magaling ako sa liko-liko pero nawala pa rin kami noong pauwi. Wala na ata siya sa wari pati paranormal na mga bagay naisip niya. Winawala ata raw kami ng multo. Nakakatawa pero effective, natakot din ako. Pag di ako nakauwi, baka hindi na ko makapunta ng Los Banos kinabukasan. Syempre, lakad pa rin inisip ko. E buti na lamang naka-abot kami ng Maynila sa parehong araw tapos ayon bagsak na ko sa kama. Pagdating ko ng LB, nagutom din ako. Ang dami ko ulit nakain, masaya. Nagbake pa kami. Madali lang pala gawin ang crème brulee. Ang galing lang noong huling preparasyon, ‘yung susunugin na yaong itaas na may asukal para crisp. Parang umiikot paningin ko, lumulutang ata ako. Gusto ko ulit bumalik para akyatin sa susunod ang Mt. Maquiling (akala ko noon Makiling, ganyan). Hapon na ko gumising ulit, pagmulat ko Maynila na. May lakwatsa ulit pero hindi ko na ikwekwento. Masyado ng personal, huwag na natin usisain.

           Ngayon, bagsak ko DVD marathon ulit, basa-basa. Natapos ko na nga buong compilation ng “Harry Potter” na movie kahit hindi ko paborito yung kwento, “My Princess and I” na koreanovela noon pinatulan ko at natapos ko na rin. Ano pa ba? Ah, naka-tatlong episode na ko ng “Game of Thrones” pati “Weed”. Hindi ako ma-series pero sige lang. Walang magawa e. Mababato lang ako, titingala lang ako sa mga dingding na tila nangungusap na pautos, ‘wag daw ako batugan. Bakasyon, di ba? So pwede maging tamad, pa-relax relax lang kahit yung diwa ko ginugulo ako nang paulit-ulit, gabi-gabi. Pag no choice na talaga, magsusulat na lang- magkwekwento.

          Miss ko na ang beach ngunit mukhang stuck ako sa bahay kasi wala ng pera, pinambili ko na ng kung anu-ano. Nagastos ko na sa plane ticket papuntang HK na hindi ko rin pala itutuloy. Ayos lang, tapos na e. Yung mga ganoong bagay hindi na binabalikan. Ang sarap na lang murahin ang mga palpak na plano sa buhay- marami. Masarap nga pala sa bahay. Halos hindi na ko makatayo sa kakahiga pati pagkain ko nasa kama na rin. Pero miss ko na rin mga kaibigan ko, sila talaga rock star. Naalala ko mga gigs na every week na pinupuntahan namin. Bakanteng-bakante pa ko noon, nag MS pa lang ako. Maloko kasi ako e pero iba na ngayon. Ewan ko rin bakit bigla ako naging ganito. Tinopak na ata ako nang tuluyan. Kayo na cool. Grabe ang bilis ng mga araw, pasukan na niyan.

            Ang dami ko rin pala nagawa. Nagpataba lang ako lalo. Ubos na alibi ko sa sarili para matanggap ko na mataba na talaga ako. Dati ayos lang dahil nag-aaral naman ako ng pahapyaw. Mabuti ng mataba, huwag lang bagsak. Wala ng rason kundi tanggapin ko na lang. Ayoko pa rin idonate mga size 2 kong damit baka may pag-asa pa. Ang haba na pala ng kwento ko. Namiss ko lang din magsulat ng mababaw lang talaga. Iyong hindi masyado nag-iisip, parang katuwaan lang. Sana ganyan din ang buhay, hindi siniseryoso. Walang personalan. Mahirap naman kung ganon subalit mas mahirap ata kung masyado kong aatupagin ang kakaisip sa future ko. E kung buhay na lang kaya ng iba? Naku, mas kumplikado ata iyon. At hindi ako ganoong tipo. Ayoko ng tsismis. Ano na ba headline sa FB at posts sa dashboard ng Tumblr ko? Ay, wala ako pakealam. Walang internet. Hindi rin ako ma-TV. Kung manonood ako, TV patrol at TLC lang talaga habol ko.

           Bigla ako kinabahan. Ang daldal ko pala tapos ang dami ko na ring namimiss-  mga tao, lugar, bagay, bisyo, mga nakalipas, mga memories. Sana namiss din nila ako. Mula ngayon, susubukan ko mas maging chill. Parang ako lang talaga. Hininto ko lang sa Medisina kasi ipepressure ka talaga tapos tatakutin na mahirap daw kaya dapat masipag. Marami kang boss sa eskwelahan, dapat matuto ka maging humble, tanggapin kung ano ang magiging kapalaran (parang horoscope lang). Swertehan din minsan, tsambahan, dapat malakas ka kay Bro. Tinanong ko nga kapatid ko na 4^th yr na ngayon sa USTe kung ano ginawa niya noong bakasyon bago mag second year. Ang sagot, “Syempre nag-enjoy lang. Nagbakasyon.” Bilang ate, dapat siya masunod. I agree. Magbakasyon. Pero bakit ganoon noh, nagbabakasyon katawan mo pero yung utak parang laging hinahabol? Wala naman talagang iniisip. Takbo ng takbo na walang kapaguran, minsan wala ng sense. Kapag pasukan naman, ikaw na naghahabol ayaw naman magpahabol. Lintek! Successful naman ako noong first yr. Hininto ko na ang pagrereklamo. Marami kasi akong say. Masyado akong mausisa pero ayoko na bigyan ng panahon iyon. Minsan nakakatuwa lang din kasi pwedeng maging kwela ang mga sitwasyon. Hinahayaan lang din. Balikan ko kaya ang pagcocomplain para naman matuwa ako, matawa? Yaong pagiging skeptic ko, marami akong nasasabi kasi hindi ako sumasang-ayon kaagad. Nasaan ang ebidensya? Dapat ata naging detective na lang ako. May kurso ba para doon? Pwede siguro maging part time job iyon. Ah, wala ng panahon. Natuto rin ako maging focused ng kaonti kahit madali akong madistract. Kaunting kaluskos lang, nagugunaw na isip ko. Minsan naman naghahanap ako ng ingay- yaong pumaparty kaluluwa ko. Magulo ata talaga ako. Miss ko na sarili ko. Lost na rin ako- I don’t know the person I have become. Kung sino man, she must be good.

            Ang dami kong satsat. Gusto ko na lang makinig pero walang mapakinggan. Sana sa pasukan, masarap pakinggan ang mga propesor. Sana naman makasabay ako. Go with the flow lang ba. Sana hindi alien language ang gamit. Tagalugin na lang kaya nila mga lectures para madali usapan. Iniisip ko na nga mag-absent sa first day e. Kailan ba pasukan?

(Source: painteverythingred)

Dear Tumblr,

I’m feeling selfish today. Don’t you think we always are? Just how we speak- “I”; it always starts that way. Like if I say, “I want it.” I remember the discussion I had with a few friends- “There is nothing selfless in life”. I agree. We want things to live. Wanting rather needing, right.  We need things that already existed so why ask for them- air, water, shelter? See, we choose what we want and when we do to achieve those things but ending up broken; it does hurt.  But how do we choose? That I don’t really know but one thing, it’s self-ish. I can’t tell you how I came up with this kind of tone, though I hope I can trust you.

My concrete conviction tells me I don’t want to live. To live meaning, to feel- I just want to keep going, doing, acting on what I chose to be. Sometimes it hurts so much. You know me, I sulk for as long as I can but I never meant giving up dreams. For now, I just want to stop and think- what things I have done right so I could keep them and what things I have done wrong to stop. I think I am that type who will spend lonely days so I can see the sun after that. Maybe how I think of reality is a written proof of achievements- an evidence of making it happen. Maybe I am being too hard on myself because when I do this I become the person I wanted to be- strong, focused, and plain. When I was younger which is not long ago, I care less of myself- free but it doesn’t work that way. Do you know that feeling when you ride a carousel? It goes around in circles and it doesn’t bring you anywhere- no destination. I think I’m riding a carousel. What are you riding?

I am leaving tomorrow, just an hour away from here. I’m just glad I will. I think my body wants it- the comfort of good friends, endless conversation, and laughter.  

(Source: painteverythingred)

Dear Tumblr,

I don’t know how to start my letter but would it be better if I say—I am excited to write to you? Today, I have two reasons to be sad. I received this message from a good friend last night. He was inviting me to Marinduque which I would really love but circumstances just won’t let me. The conversation turned to be gloomy, the more when he told me about her. He said that she’s leaving school and that means losing another friend. Do you know that situation when personality clashes not because you hate each other but you’re too good that when you’re together you just both explode? Well that’s we. She was the first person I vent on after a broken heart. She was the nicest person I have met even if we fight each other secretly, because that’s how we are. She’s a good friend who tells me the truth- how she likes me, how she admires my solid character which I think she says the same with other people but that doesn’t matter; she just makes me happy and I’m not able to tell her that. She makes me even stronger, that I should be like myself because I am beautiful that way. And she is the same;  I consider her actions firm and very admirable even it means hating me because her reason tells her so. When you meet this kind of people, they are the ones who won’t stab you in the back; they just end it face to face quietly with grace. Isn’t that good enough? I like it that way and she does, too. We don’t agree in most of the part, but she never fails to support me once in a while. I would miss her- her kindness and lively thoughts on things out of the blue. My second sadness is something I cannot explain. I forgot about it. I am trying to think, really, but typing this letter, words just come and go and my concrete memories last night of what I am going to tell you just faded in black and white. … Now, I remember. I just finished a book that greatly inspired me to write to you. Stephen Chbosky’s first novel is  amazing, that it was just dull to end it too soon.  Sad, isn’t? I found the book and now the relationship we had would just end.

Anyway, I bought myself a toy and I am really excited to play with it. I believe this is the most exciting part of the letter. I finally decided what lomo camera to buy myself and that means I will be busy pointing and shooting. Cool, right? I hope I can document everything so I can show them to you. I am also hoping to get more photos  than my Diana F+ but that doesn’t make me love her less. I equally love them. Yes, I think my first toy was a she and the second, a he. I should name them but I am not really good with names. I’ll tell you more about it on my next letter. 

(Source: painteverythingred)

Dear Tumblr,

Okay, let’s get this straight. This would be my first letter to you and I want you to read it carefully, no judgments or illusionary conclusions. Don’t hesitate to love me or at least fall for every letters, for that nostalgic feeling of being involved.  That’s fine. And please stop counting my mistakes. I get wrong words together and I take phrases grammatically great by its sound at all times but I am bearable. All I am saying is- Let’s just try because it is summer and I have time to spare. And I would really want to talk about something, anything- any issues but not politics and religion. Let’s claim life as the top-rating topic of all time. Yes, breathing but not necessarily about air. The essence of waking up every morning feeling awkward- happy, sad, in between, how’s that?

My life began twenty-five years ago and still it surprises me everyday how I feel extremely threatened by things. I have habits of buying books I don’t read (not anytime soon), postcards I only keep for myself (I really have a good collection of them until I stopped) but really planning of sending one, making coffee I don’t drink, watching movies I only half-finish. Is it that I easily get bored or maybe am I just too flexible? See, I worry a lot and it means that there is a high possibility of I having a heart attack so before that happens, let me just write to you. Today, I went to my yoga class, second day and my body can not cooperate. Speaking of flexibility, right? I can balance but not stretch too much. Well I do have a problem. I have a semi-scolio, not that terrible. Medically speaking, is there a semi of that kind? Well if none, I just want to put it that way. You know what I mean, do you? Other than that, I broke bone/s somewhere that is why my hip, right leg aches sometimes. This is life, isn’t? I am not near to aging except for the appearance of supposed-hidden nasolabial folds I have been complaining to my mother days ago. It is this line from the nose to the angle of your lips. Since then, I start smiling even I really am angry to hide it. That is my first lesson this summer; smile to stop looking my age. Anyway, yoga was great- the greatness of sweating. Yoga- half-finished movie- waffle for breakfast- paid the bills- eat lunch- continue the movie- now, writing; simplest way of saying it.

I have perfectly planned the day but something feels unlikely- dead in spaces. I feel the anger, the fear I have for bad guys, the past of selfless addiction to something I shouldn’t have done in the first place. That guilt that swallows, bad memories, hurt and oppression of acting into something I am not but someone I trust tells me to. Lies scattered everywhere, I heard it from someone else’s. Life is living- a feeling of existence that somewhere in the line of life and death we have committed mistakes.  And all I wish is to stop thinking, stop realizing how bad the fall is. I am not allowed to tell you what really bothers me because I don’t really know and it might just scare you, too. And at the moment, I am listening to a very nice song for a ‘hot’ weather while reciting a very well-said line in the movie: “…because you’re hoping you are wrong and every time she tries to tell you she is no good; you ignore it. And every time she surprises you, she wins you over and you lose that argument with yourself that she isn’t for you.” It is very untimely; trust me but by just knowing that someone from afar thinks the same things or at least a thing like I do; makes me feel smart- a defense that makes a lifetime possible. Well, correctly saying not that smart but related in some sort. I am guessing that we only make a point because someone has already made one. Arguments, opinions, reviews- either be in agreement or not comes from what we see, hear- things that already existed. I think I read this somewhere. I might regret saying things the way they are but for now, this is my first letter to you.

(Source: painteverythingred)

good music for a hot weather

(Source: painteverythingred)

I only wanted to see the sun.

It is summer, March of 2012 and I can still remember the breeze of yesterday’s hard work- nights drenched into sweat and tomorrow’s labor as if of another’s. There is the incapacity of explaining myself to written phrases, words I am lost of. I have been memorizing into syllabic, calculating every sense so as not to make mistake. Each of which I try, therefore to store into memory. Recapturing memoirs like a snapshot, fast as a ray of light. Sometimes, incomprehensible due to lack of judgment- confusion of desires and imposition I made to myself.

Simplicity, pale and silent- I come across conclusions and thoughts I have lost between battle and wars of heart. I do, in fact consider all fix in troubles.  When there is nothing to do, there must be something to be done- that vocation to strict labor and to lacking of exact measurements of events, composure to perfection. Fixations I have on books, movies, music fascinate the angles of life. A fraction of the inhaled air, purified as the same in everyday. Nothing will be new; nothing is old. It is the same faces, different positions. It is an after-taste. It draws you back from where, to the start.  Time is singular- either  in a certain line of existence you fail or succeed.

On my written expressions of… pause… from which I cannot remember- a spot from the spotless, blank fragments of how it used to be, pieces that don’t match, concrete solutions to weaknesses, incapacitated breaks.  What was that feeling, again? Less of it become vivid in recollections and all I see is the sun. Maybe at the end of the road, I can be different- unusual from the taste of a best seller, fashionable as the latest or maybe a brand discovery. The solar; bring back the life- how a handwriting beautifully flawed its curve, how sanity explodes to its birth,  how days change age. And with a year end, another began with uncertainty of mystic happening, of 24-year scent.  I don’t want cakes lit with twenty-five candles.  I want another birth of glorious battle, triumphant like stars on dusk and a name, not from its debut but from its long-standing courage to endeavor  happiness.

(Source: painteverythingred)